This doesn't happen very often, but I'm excited enough about it to share it with you all. I was able to sleep all night, with a small cry out at 3am that briefly woke me up, and I'm up before the girls. I could count on one hand, probably three fingers, how many times this has happened and it is such a good feeling. Those of you who wake up on your own every day, without an alarm clock, without kids, don't take it for granted.
I'm a bit crazy about getting my sleep and let me tell you why. I don't fall back asleep easily. I'm not solving the world's problems, but if I get any consecutive hours of sleep I have a hard time falling back asleep. I think about stupid things that I think are important in the middle of the night. Upon waking I push those thoughts aside as petty, even though hours ago those thoughts kept me awake. I lay awake listening to noises. Noises from the girls room, the vents popping, the cars driving by. Wondering if I should go check the basement beause we were at the park and I left the house open, did someone come in? Would I have time to protect the girls? I'm not afraid to be here alone with the girls, but if I hear an unfamiliar creak or pop it will keep me up for a while before I determine it is nothing.
I'm ornery when I'm tired. Some people aren't, but I am. I have less patience. I have less understanding. I have less motivation. I'm not a very fun mom or wife when I'm tired. I watch the clock and count down the hours until bedtime hoping that night will be the night I can get some decent sleep. And I'm not talking about losing one night's sleep. I can deal with that. It's the chronic night after night or month long or years long of losing sleep. I don't like to nap because I can't sleep well at night if I do. When Ellie was about six months old my sister asked me if maybe I was depressed, because she didn't understand my longing for sleep. She just had her third kid two months prior. I got defensive and said of course not. Looking back on my sleep deprived fog, maybe I was. Who knows. All I know is that I wanted to sleep for at least six hours straight. I was so focused on my lack of sleep.
After taking away Ellie's early morning bottle over a month ago that I was convinced she needed to sleep the last few hours, she has been sleeping really well. She does still cry out sometimes that wakes me up, and I lay there wondering if she is going to wake up, is she cold, did she lose her pacifier. Sometimes I check on her sometimes I let her be.
Whitney is usually a great sleeper. She does have the occasional morning she wakes up too early, but if she crawls in bed with me she will go back to sleep. She doesn't fight bed time, she doesn't wake in the middle of the night.
I am finally getting some sleep :) I feel better during the day. I'm happier during the day.
The Rest of the story… and here we go!
1 month ago